tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
