Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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