I accidentally burped into my bong.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
