K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
