Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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