Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
