Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
