Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
