I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
