I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
