We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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