we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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