you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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