This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
