Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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