Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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