Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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