My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
