I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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