How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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