when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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