i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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