I don't usually arrange sex via text message
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
