matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
