dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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