and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
