Apparently you make a good broom.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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