I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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