i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
