I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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