Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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