you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
