I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
