Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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