i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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