Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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