heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
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My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
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Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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