Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
