Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
whose ass print is on the piano?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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