So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize