This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
