Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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