I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
