is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
