Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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