You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
