just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
