Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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