My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
