I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
