im having a threesome with these popsicles
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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