East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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