Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
