My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
