Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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