I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
