my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
