You're so nebulous sometimes
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
